Don't make out with my wife yet
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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