Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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