How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
