Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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