I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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