Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
