listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
