when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
