They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
