There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Randomize
