my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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