I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Randomize
