I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
