just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
