if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
