So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
