Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
