Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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