If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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