After last night, I could never be a politician.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
