I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
