i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
