The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
