I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
