I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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