Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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