just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
