he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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