If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He passed out mid-signature
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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