During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
