You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
