just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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