we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
