Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
