Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
