If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
