You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
