Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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