I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
