Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
