My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
