Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
