mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
