Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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