If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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