Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
