I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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