he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
