She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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