and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
