Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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