Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You're like the curious george of whores
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
