I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
