I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
