I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
