My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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